Chapter Fourteen - "Enhance Your Inner Beauty"

"In this chapter, I want to take this idea of studying ourselves in the mirror, turn it inside out so that we're looking at things from the best perspective, and make this ritual an important part of our everyday lives.  What do I mean when I say 'turn it inside out?' I'm talking about evaluating ourselves from the inside to see how we present ourselves as a wife and mother."

2 Corinthians 13:5 NIV

Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you--unless, of course, you fail the test? 

Our inner beauty reflects our heart.  We can give the world a picture of perfection on the outside, but when we let the walls down, our loved ones see the real us.  Do they see an inner beauty that is far more precious than a beautiful exterior?

Today we are going to look at our first example of Rachel.  Jacob was in love with Rachel - so much that he was willing to work hard for her father for seven years before he would be granted her hand in marriage.  After seven years, her father Laban agreed to give Jacob his daughter for his wife.  Jacob learned the next day that it was in fact Leah, not Rachel, that he had wed.  His love for Rachel was so strong he was willing to work another seven years for her hand.

Are we as costly to our husbands as Rachel was to Jacob?  "I’m talking about the virtue you reflect, the qualities you own, and the value you hold in his sight. Are you worth seven years?..."After two, three, seven or ten years, are you still the radiant bride that he vowed to honor and cherish that day? Or once the veil was lifted, were you somebody else?"

Are we still the girls our husbands fell head over heels over when we first met?  Is our inner beauty still attractive?  Or have we let the stresses and distractions of our day to day busy lives change our outlook?  What are we bringing to the table?  The question on Darlene's heart is this - "Am I being the help meet he deserves, and am I putting in the effort it takes to make a good marriage work?"

We need to check our inner beauty on a daily basis against God's word.  Examine our hearts.  Are we virtuous?  Will our husbands and family see an inner beauty in us that is far more valuable than rubies or gold?

Good Intentions Start Within

"The development of patience, sincerity and kindness requires us to be conscious of the actions we choose.  Whether in word or in conduct we have the potential to affect others around us and leave an imprint on their life."

This world is a mess.  And it's people on both sides of the fence.  We as Christians have a big responsibility to reflect the heart of Jesus and be a light to this crazy world.  But are we doing that?  It all starts in our own hearts.  We first have to look within and let God change our hearts.  We have the ability to leave an imprint on others, but are we leaving a good imprint or a sour taste in their mouth?

Darlene writes, "The bottom line is that we'll never have the power to affect another person until our words become flesh. Until we're living in complete submission to the Lord so that the treasure of our heart becomes a compelling force that not only reflects what we believe, but also stirs people to embrace the God that we serve!" 

This week I have seen people, believers and unbelievers, bring out the uglies.  If we are not being loving towards people, how are we going to be a light?  If we are too busy judging their sins, how are we going to reflect the heart of Jesus?  Sin is sin is sin.  God does not see any sin greater than another.

Matthew 7:1-5 NIV

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Today let's look inside ourselves.  Let God work in our hearts and change us first.  We have good intentions, but let's make sure our intentions are being reflected to the world in a loving and sincere way.

Planting Seeds Quietly

"For all of recorded history, gardens have been viewed as places of wonder, capable of restoring health and peace to those who entered. Physicians in pharaoh-ruled Egypt prescribed walks through gardens to improve mental well-being. Monks of yore used their gardens to soothe world-weary travelers. And one of the seven wonders of the ancient world -- the Hanging Gardens of Babylon -- was built by King Nebuchadnezzar to heal his wife, Amyitis, of homesickness and depression." ~ Betsy Dru Tecco, Better Homes and Gardens

Gardening is good for the soul. It has a way of providing a peaceful outlook on life. Planting seeds not only makes plants grow in our gardens, but it helps us to grow more relaxed and improve our mental state. Gardening alone can be some really nice quiet time.  Much like planting seeds in our garden, doing the right thing and living righteously even when in private will plant seeds "that will grow in our heart."

Philippians 4:8 NIV

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Did you notice that it does not say do these things only in public? We are to think about these things all the time! And if we are thinking about being true, noble, righteous, pure, lovely and admirable and putting these attributes into action, what do you think will happen? Will we be doing these things all the time, out in public and in private? The more we do these admirable acts, will our hearts be changed? You better believe it.

Jesus encouraged us to do these things not for recognition or a pat on the back. He said in Matthew 6:1-4 "Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

If we do things for the wrong reasons, those little seeds will not be planted in our hearts and we will not grow in our walk with God. So it's time for a challenge today. We will start small. What can you do today for your husband to help him and lessen his load today? Do it quietly not looking for recognition. Or what can you do for a friend or co-worker? Plant some seeds today.

Treasures of the Heart

Would you say you are a genuine person?  What you see is what you get?  Or does the outside world see a different you than what your family sees behind closed doors?

Chances are if you are trying to hide the real you, the people around you are seeing more of the real you thank you may think.  Our words, mannerisms, facial expressions and our eyes give people a direct link to our hearts.  

Luke 6:45 NIV

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

Proverbs 4:23 NIV

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

God is very concerned about the condition of our hearts.  Even if we are able to control our words and actions, if there is sinful thoughts in our hearts, this is just as troubling to God than the outright sin.  Thankfully for us, God is in the business of giving new hearts if we just ask.  If we are treasuring God and thankful for all He has done through His son, Jesus Christ, He will work in our hearts to change our thoughts and our attitudes.  

Matthew 6:20-21 NIV

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Every day, our flesh will wrestle with the Holy Spirit living inside of us.  And every day, we have to make a conscious decision to let the Holy Spirit win out.  These changes won't happen overnight - it can be a slow process at times.  But once we make that decision to allow God to take the reins of our lives and give him complete access to our hearts, it is absolutely amazing what He can do.

In Ezekiel 36 God is giving Ezekiel a message for the people of Israel about their assured restoration.  These verses also assure us that God will give us a new, clean heart when we make Jesus Lord and Savior of our lives.

Ezekiel 36:26:27 NIV

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 

Building On Love - Chapter Twelve

Unrealistic expectations.  They are one of the leading causes of marital problems.  Aren't they really a problem in all areas of life?  Marriages, jobs, friendships, and more.

Why do we have unrealistic expectations in marriage?  The simple answer is we are a selfish people.  We were born into sin and born selfish - our flesh is in constant battle with our spirit.  When the honeymoon is over "we realize the day to day responsibilities and sacrifices required of us aren't what we expected."  With our mentality of "What's in it for me" it's no wonder, is it?  When we look at marriage selfishly, it becomes all about us and what is being done to meet our needs with little regard for our spouse's needs.

But instead of looking at reality and unexpected responsibilities with dread, what if we actually considered these things in life joy?  This statement from Darlene was a great way of changing our outlook.  "If you haven't already, you can start by giving up on the question, 'What's in it for me?' and replace the question with, 'What can I offer?'  Every time that you work through any of these obstacles with patience, humility and kindness you are building and strengthening your bond of love."

Darlene used an analogy of strength training muscles to build on love.  "Think of these stressors as weights that are shaping your 'marriage muscles.'  Just like any healthy muscle, your marriage needs strength training."  When we change out attitude and start considering it pure joy to offer help and solutions to our every day challenges, we will be building and strengthening our love for our husbands.  Our marriages will be strong and lacking nothing.

James 1:2-4 NIV

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

A post from Darlene Schacht

Today's post is from the author of The Good Wife's Guide, Darlene Schacht!!  I'm so excited she was willing and able to to do this for our group!  She is currently working on another book, so her days are pretty hectic right now.  So please be sure to thank her for sharing with us today.  Darlene is talking more on communication today.  Enjoy!

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I've come to learn something about communication. Maybe it’s because I live with one of the best communicators I know. What I’ve learned is that God calls us to a life of righteousness, which is quick to listen and slow to speak. Life is no longer about me and what I want; it's about living for the good of my family and ultimately pleasing the Lord.

Do I communicate my love by listening as much as I speak? Or am I too concerned about the things that I want out of this relationship to consider his needs?

Like our bodies, a marital infection needs to be treated. Sometimes a cut excretes fluid which is our body's way of cleaning out the wound and fighting bacteria. An abscess however builds up under the skin until it is surgically removed.

Couples disagree, they argue, and feelings get hurt like infections that rise to the surface. When we communicate our differences and work toward reconciliation we are treating the wound as it rises, but resentments that are left untreated will fester and grow to the point where we have serious problems to solve.

Communication, without the weapons of warfare, is important to understanding each other and healing our pain. If you find it difficult to talk to your spouse, write him letters that stem from a place of kindness, humility, patience and love. Whether you're talking or writing or simply being there for him, keep the lines of communication wide open and keep writing your love story with every breath that you take!

I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ~ Ephesians 4:1-3

     ~ Darlene Schacht ~

Handling Conflict in Marriage - Continued

Continuing on in Chapter 12 on handling conflict in marriage, let's look at faults and communication.

3.  Look past his faults and focus on love.

Oh, this one can be hard to do.  This has to be very intentional.  But guess what?  If God still sees us as His beautiful, beloved creation even with our faults and mistakes, we should definitely try to do the same for our husbands.  For everyone for that matter.  And hopefully if I don't dwell on his faults, he won't dwell on mine either.  If we are truly loving our husbands how God wants us to love, how will that look?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Darlene writes "If love was supposed to be easy, it wouldn't need to be described as 'patient.'"  Isn't that the truth?  Love is more than that first infatuation you feel at the beginning.  Over time, if we exercise these characteristics of love, our love for our husband will grow and deepen.  And those faults will seem trivial.  I've heard military wives often say things like they would rather see the shaving cream and stubble in the sink than to be living without their husbands.  So remember this the next time an annoying habit or fault starts wearing on your nerves.

4.  Be understanding of his faults.

 We want our husbands to love everything about us, don't we?  We want him to be understanding when we get irritable that one week out of the month.  We want him to love us the way we are - emotional at times, grumpy at times, tired at times, exasperated by the kids, at our wit's end.  As women, our emotions can be all over the board in less than five minutes!  Well, shouldn't we be doing the same for him?  

Darlene tells us to consider this - "Jesus didn't die for us because we were charming did He?"  We are all so unworthy on our own of God's love, mercy and grace.  Jesus changed all of that for us.  All of us are far from being perfect, yet Jesus understands our day to day ups and downs.  If He is understanding of our faults, then we in turn should be understanding.  Let's focus on working on our faults before we go worrying about someone else's.  Jesus said “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

5.  Keep the lines of communication open.

This is a biggie.  How many times could a fight been avoided if we had just openly communicated before we got to that point?  We have to be open and honest in our relationships, but we have to do this in a loving manner.  If it's a touchy situation, I find that if I pray for the right words and for patience, this really does help me to stay calm and lovingly discuss an issue with my husband.  Do I always do that?  No!  But I need to be.  And being a nagging wife to force our husbands to do what we want usually backfires in our face.  It may not happen right away, but down the road, we will most definitely pay for it.  Our husbands may "build up walls of protection around them" if we become a nagging wife.  "If you want your husband to trust you with his heart as he once did, it's important to practice self-control, hold your tongue, and replace criticism with kindness.  Listen when he talks and make an effort to show him respect."  Amen!

Proverbs 21:19

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

Proverbs 27:15-16

A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.