Building On Love - Chapter Twelve

Unrealistic expectations.  They are one of the leading causes of marital problems.  Aren't they really a problem in all areas of life?  Marriages, jobs, friendships, and more.

Why do we have unrealistic expectations in marriage?  The simple answer is we are a selfish people.  We were born into sin and born selfish - our flesh is in constant battle with our spirit.  When the honeymoon is over "we realize the day to day responsibilities and sacrifices required of us aren't what we expected."  With our mentality of "What's in it for me" it's no wonder, is it?  When we look at marriage selfishly, it becomes all about us and what is being done to meet our needs with little regard for our spouse's needs.

But instead of looking at reality and unexpected responsibilities with dread, what if we actually considered these things in life joy?  This statement from Darlene was a great way of changing our outlook.  "If you haven't already, you can start by giving up on the question, 'What's in it for me?' and replace the question with, 'What can I offer?'  Every time that you work through any of these obstacles with patience, humility and kindness you are building and strengthening your bond of love."

Darlene used an analogy of strength training muscles to build on love.  "Think of these stressors as weights that are shaping your 'marriage muscles.'  Just like any healthy muscle, your marriage needs strength training."  When we change out attitude and start considering it pure joy to offer help and solutions to our every day challenges, we will be building and strengthening our love for our husbands.  Our marriages will be strong and lacking nothing.

James 1:2-4 NIV

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

A post from Darlene Schacht

Today's post is from the author of The Good Wife's Guide, Darlene Schacht!!  I'm so excited she was willing and able to to do this for our group!  She is currently working on another book, so her days are pretty hectic right now.  So please be sure to thank her for sharing with us today.  Darlene is talking more on communication today.  Enjoy!

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I've come to learn something about communication. Maybe it’s because I live with one of the best communicators I know. What I’ve learned is that God calls us to a life of righteousness, which is quick to listen and slow to speak. Life is no longer about me and what I want; it's about living for the good of my family and ultimately pleasing the Lord.

Do I communicate my love by listening as much as I speak? Or am I too concerned about the things that I want out of this relationship to consider his needs?

Like our bodies, a marital infection needs to be treated. Sometimes a cut excretes fluid which is our body's way of cleaning out the wound and fighting bacteria. An abscess however builds up under the skin until it is surgically removed.

Couples disagree, they argue, and feelings get hurt like infections that rise to the surface. When we communicate our differences and work toward reconciliation we are treating the wound as it rises, but resentments that are left untreated will fester and grow to the point where we have serious problems to solve.

Communication, without the weapons of warfare, is important to understanding each other and healing our pain. If you find it difficult to talk to your spouse, write him letters that stem from a place of kindness, humility, patience and love. Whether you're talking or writing or simply being there for him, keep the lines of communication wide open and keep writing your love story with every breath that you take!

I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ~ Ephesians 4:1-3

     ~ Darlene Schacht ~

Galatians 5:14-15

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. 

Today we will start on Darlene's 5 ways to handle conflict in your marriage.  These 5 things will go hand in hand.  "Each one of them call us to love as God would have us to love."  If we try and see our husbands as God sees them and love them as He would, these 5 steps will become so much easier for us.  If we don't work at creating unity between us, we will destroy each other.

1.  Pray, asking God to take your burden.

We have all heard we can't change a person.  But we can work on changing ourselves.  And we sure can pray to God to work in the hearts of others - we have to trust Him to do the heart work to bring about a necessary change.  In the meantime, pray for God to point out things that need to change in your heart as well.  When my husband and I are were going through a rough time last year, my initial human response was to find fault and place blame with him.  He felt like he couldn't do anything right, and I thought he couldn't either.  Thank goodness God got a hold of me and set me straight.  He started convicting me of my own shortcomings and weaknesses.  He started working in my heart - and I realized I had a lot to work on myself.  You know what?  I started seeing my husband in a whole new light.  I once again began to appreciate him and all he did.  Even if someone has some really big things to change, God can change even the hardest of hearts.

2.  Stop looking over the fence.

The grass is always greener on the other side.  Oh, it may look that way from the other side, but once you get over there, you will see the weeds, pests and problems.  So it's just best that we don't hop over that fence, isn't it?  We can't compare what goes on in our lives behind closed doors to what we see on the outside of other's lives.  Each couple has their own set of blessings - and problems.  Since we are far from perfect, we all bring our faults and habits to the table.  Life happens.  But guess what?  This life is temporary - and Darlene writes so are our husbands.  We are not promised tomorrow.  So she says we should "invest our hearts in the eternal joy that comes to those who seek God."  When we set our sights on God and live for Him, there will always be joy.  And "our husbands are an extension of our relationship with God, not the root."  God brought you and your husband together for a reason.  So let's focus on the good and stay committed - and stick to our own side of the fence with no regrets.  Water and care for your grass and it grows green and strong.

Living in Unity - Chapter 12

"Perfect love is perfect self-forgetfulness.  Hence when there is love in a home, unselfishness is the law.  Each forgets self and lives for others.". J.R. Miller

Do you remember those first days of wedded bliss?  You both were so happy and in love.  Your love would stand the test of time and you wouldn't turn out like other couples.  And then reality set in...responsibilities, commitments, those annoying little habits.  The little disagreements turned into petty arguments.  And if you're not careful, those arguments get bigger and the blame game starts.

Darlene describes arguments as "our need to shine, our need to be right, our need to be heard."  That's a really good description, isn't it?  How many times do we keep on because we want to have the last word?

"But when sin entered the world, so did selfish ambition and pride.  There was no longer a passion to serve one another, but a knee jerk reaction to protecting one's self.  We hear the first account of this with Adam and Eve after they eat from the forbidden tree.  Both of them try to put the blame on anyone but themselves.

God's plan for marriage looks much different - "humility, tenderness, grace."  When we truly humble ourselves and value others higher than our self, we will focus on them and put our interests aside.  God wants us to do this in our marriages.

Philippians 2:2-4 NIV

Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Marriage has been so damaged and skewed by the world.  The world view is "I will stick with this marriage thing as long as MY needs are being met."  The world needs to see marriages functioning in God's design.  It needs to see the beauty of His way.  And it's up to His children - us - to provide good examples of unity in marriage.